A companion to our Working Moms episode (31,) this episode is all about Stay at Home Moms! In this episode, we dive deep into the topic of staying at home with your kids. Pros and cons from both within and society at large.
This episode is brought to you by William’s Wondering Week and adorable book about a boy (William) who wonders what his mom does at home all day long!
Also mentioned:
Episode 25: How to Afford Kids
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Automated audio transcription of this episode:
— Speaker 0 00:00 <inaudible>.
Speaker 1 00:06 Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I’m Bonnie and I’m Audrey and we’re homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter regardless of where you are on your journey. Come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
Speaker 0 00:28 <inaudible>
Speaker 2 00:31 hello and welcome back. We are on episode 37. Today. We’re talking about stay at home moms, kind of a second half to our working moms episode. Um, and this episode is brought to you by mascot books and their recently rereleased picture book entitled Williams Wondering Week. It’s the perfect book to teach children about the life and responsibilities of stay at home parents in this adorable, innocent children’s book, William Begins Wondering what his mother does all day while he’s at school. He comes up with various different activities wondering she’s playing video games or going to the zoo. He just assumed that she’s having fun without him. However William soon learns that he does not have to wonder anymore. He just has to ask his mother what she does all day. He realizes that his mother is not having fun while he’s at school. She’s actually working very hard on cleaning laundry and other nuts off on activities with this new information. The two are able to bond and understand each other better.
Speaker 3 01:18 We love this book because it shines light on the life of a stay at home mom. The fact that the work doesn’t stop when the kids aren’t home and that kids sometimes forget how much work being a mom entails. William’s wondering week encourages imagination, open communication between parents and kids and the value of both work and play. So we highly recommend this cute picture book and we’ll link it in our show notes. Great. Today as we promised you a few episodes back in our episode on working moms, we’re going to be talking about stay at home moms and we’re going to start off with a humor segment. <inaudible> Speaker 2 01:56 yes. And I feel like we get our best humor segments from the full time stay at home moms just because we see so much nonsense. Yeah. Um, and, and so much crap as I like to say on this one. This one lends itself really well to that saying, so this was a, this humor segment was submitted, um, by thumb Bellina 41 on Instagram. She said, well about a year ago I had to take our fourth daughter to the pediatrician. I get ready to load her in the car late and in a rush of course and out of our van jumps our outside cat. She had apparently been locked in overnight having gotten into something she wasn’t supposed to eat earlier the day before, before she had a horrible poop poop in the van, but not just, not just anywhere in our daughter’s car seat.
Speaker 2 02:40 Also I have to strip the car seat and wipe it out, line it with towels, load the toddler in the four month old and then head out to the sick visit. The car stunk and the nurse laughed at our best late for appointment story ever. That is a pretty epic, that’s pretty epic. Late story. We actually had one of our, we have outside cats here too and we actually had one gets stuck in our car. I don’t know if it was overnight but it was like a lot of a day and when we got in she didn’t hop out. We just heard this horrible scream meow like what is that? It really freaked us out cause it’s like late at night we’re like what does that sound? It was like her whining get me out of this thing. I don’t know where I’m going or what’s going on. It’s hilarious. Unfortunately
Speaker 3
Speaker 2
door?
Speaker 3
stay at home moms do all day and we’re going to talk about the pros and cons of being a stay at home mom because both Bonnie and I have experience with being at stay at home mom. So lots of experience with both the pros and the guns.
Speaker 2 03:56 Yeah, we are just like in our working mom episode, we are not trying to invoke guilt to anyone who doesn’t stay home with their kids. We’re just here to offer information, some support and some of our own experiences —
03:26 unfortunately we have some funny cat in the van stuck in the vans.
03:31 Do you think that they would learn right? You don’t want to get stuck in this
03:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right and now we’re going to talk about what it is that
— as being, um, stay at home moms specifically. Um, the why, the financial, how, what it looks like, et Cetera.
Speaker 3 04:15 Yeah. So the why is kind of obvious. It goes along with, we’ll talk about a lot more of the pros later, but mostly we stay at home to be with our kids because that’s where our kids are.
Speaker 2 04:28 Yeah, exactly. Um, and, and when you look at people like us with nine children, it would really be financially impossible for us to leave home to work full time, like a nine to five simply for daycare costs. You know, I haven’t done the math, but I’m pretty sure I’d need to make like $500,000 a year to make that even worthwhile, you know? And then, you know, when you do work, there are a lot of extra hidden costs that you don’t anticipate at the beginning, like a professional wardrobe and dry cleaning. Um, eating out for lunch or breakfast, just cause you’re exhausted and you don’t have time more eating out for the family also because you’re exhausted in no time. Um, so just a lot of the extra car oftentimes, or more gas money for a commute, there’s a lot of things, um, that can add to that working mom expense. So a lot of us choose to stay home simply for expense
Speaker 3 05:13 reasons. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, you’re right, we would have to make an awful lot to even with kids in school, you know, with afterschool care and yeah, it would be pretty expensive. So many moms envisioned themselves. I’m staying at home when they’re pregnant with their first child and some others are surprised by it. I don’t think I’ve shared the story of my neighbor yet. Maybe have another episode. Anyway, she, um, was a mechanic. She was an engineer, mechanical engineer and trained and loving her job. And um, her and her husband were expecting their first child and, um, she just expected that she was gonna, you know, have her mat leave and then go back and enjoy your job and all that. But, um, when her child was, she just absolutely could not separate herself from him and, um, put in her two week notice during her mat leave and stayed home and raised her kids. She was very surprised by it. Speaker 2 06:09 Yeah. I think actually maybe you did share that in a, in a previous episode, but that happens a lot. And I think I’ve shared as well that I w I had plans to go to graduate school and get, um, you know, at least at least have a part time job outside of the home and just couldn’t do it, you know? And, and I think that we just want to mention that so that if you were surprised by, I know you’re not alone, there are a lot of people who thought that their life would look a lot different, but if you’ve planned it and it ended up that way, then good for you. You know, for anticipating that and being, being willing to stay home with your kids, it can be a wonderful thing. Yeah. Um, and then we wanted to mention if you didn’t have a full time stay at home mom as a child to model your behavior after it can be kind of tricky to figure out what this looks like.
Speaker 2 06:47 So I remember being, I and I did have a mom who stayed home most of the time when I was a child, but I didn’t really know what to do those first couple of years, especially with just one kid and I didn’t have another job or really anything else to entertain me. And um, it was a lot of lonely time, a lot of um, boredom. I did a lot of shopping because it got me out of the house and around other people even though we didn’t have the money for it. So that was a stressor in my life, you know. Um, so there’s a lot of things to deal with at that adjustment and most of us don’t go from what would you plan on staying home with your kids or not? Most of us didn’t go from staying home to staying home with the child. We went from working to staying home with the child. So that is a huge adjustment to go from seeing people every day and
having a fulfilling career or a not fulfilling career, but either way, getting out of the house and then all of a sudden, you know, having your life completely revolve around one or two little people or more and uh, and you’re your own house, it can be kinda frightening.
Speaker 3 07:45 Yeah. Yeah. That’s interesting to think about. I didn’t, um, I, I sort of did and didn’t have a stay at home mom. My mom was always there when, when we, um, were at home, but, um, she had a daycare that childcare, she did childcare, so she was always very, very busy with her time. I guess it would k —
— ind of be like, I dunno, like me having a bunch of kids, but it was her, you know, it was her business. She was doing it to help bring in extra money. And then after, um, after awhile when we went, we were all, um, of school age. Then my mom went and worked in the school system so that she could, you know, be home when we were home. So That’s interesting. Um, what you say about, you know, not knowing what to do and how to behave as a stay at home mom. Speaker 3 08:28 I think I kind of went through a transition period there too. We’re just trying to figure out what to do with myself because I also went from working to, you know, be the stay at home mom. So, yeah, so the financial how, um, now we did a really good, um, in depth episode about how to afford kids in episode 25 and that was a really, um, that’s a really good episode and lots of tips. Like we could just say everything again, but we won’t just go listen to that episode. Uh, but one, I think one of the most important things for me or for us to pull out of that episode is we sacrificed staff for time together. And, um, so for our family that looks like, you know, we don’t have a boat, but that doesn’t mean we don’t spend time together. We go, um, rent a boat and if we’re wanting to go to the lake or we, you know, just go swim in the water together at the lake together, something like that. And we just don’t have the possession of a boat. What I’m trying to say. In fact, my teenage son and we were driving home, you know, this is several years back and we were driving home and my husband was, um, pointing out something that the neighbors had some, some possession. It was a boat or a plane or you know, car or something. And my son, my son’s sitting in the back and he says in his sarcastic teenager voice, he says, yeah, his wife works.
Speaker 2 09:56 Yeah. And all you do is sit around in your butt irritating, you know, you. Speaker 3 10:08 Oh, okay. So anyway, just the basic thought of sacrificing things for no memories and time together. Um, again, I’m gonna Point people to, um, live free Miranda and the live free creative podcast. Her whole mantra is less stuff, more adventure. And I think I can fall in line behind that one. And then another thought to keep in mind is, if you’re a stay at home mom, you’re not going to be a stay at home mom for life. Your kids are either going to move out at some point or go to school or reach a point where they don’t need a mom at home to, you know, wipe their butts and make their meals or whatever. So then that will be an opportunity for you to start working. You know, you can work out of the home like Bonnie and I do, or you can, um, go, you know, get a, get a job or something. Um, so the, the stay at home mom period is not a forever thing. That’s kind of something that helps me, um, to keep in mind about little kids just in general raising little kids. It’s not a forever thing.
Speaker 2 11:11 Yeah. Yeah. And you know, motherhood is so unique in the fact that it really is a job. It requires a ton of work and sacrifice and it’s the only job I know of that requires so much intense labor and devotion for a handful of years. And then your goal is literally to work yourself out of a job, right? Like a good mom is one who trains her children to not need her. And that’s a really unique thing and something that causes a lot of emotional angst. I think that, number one, it requires so much work out of us. But that, number two, we’re actually not supposed to be our children’s mom for, I shouldn’t say it like that. We are their mom forever, but we’re supposed to care for them physically forever. We’re supposed to for a short time. And then we teach them to care for themselves.
Speaker 2 11:58 Then we teach them to go out and make something of themselves. And I just think that it’s important to remember that because number one, it can help us get, it, can help us from getting lost in the work of, of motherhood. And remember that we’re still a person. We’re going to have time when they’re gone. Um, we should still as best as we can, try to develop our own talents. Um, and number two, just to try to enjoy those years, even the chaotic poop filled screaming ones. Like, my day to day was crazy, but we try to enjoy it as much as we can because it will not last forever. And I know, I hate saying that because I used to get so irritated when some grandma at the store would tell me that, oh, just enjoying —
— them and my kids are like screaming and climbing all over me and I’m like, you enjoy them. You know? It’s just an important thing to remember that 18 years seems like a long time. But in the grand scheme of things it just really is not, you know.
Speaker 3 12:48 Yeah. You know, I think, uh, another part of this is part of our identity is, um, being a mother once we’re a mom, that’s just part of our identity. But I have seen, um, some women, just some that I know and some, you know, just observing them from afar that they kind of lose their identity after their children are grown and don’t need them to be mom anymore. I mean, you know, once you birth a child, you’re always a mother, but you’re not, you’re not needed as a mom after a certain point. And I have seen some women kind of lose their identity after that because it is a huge part of who we are when we’re a mom. It’s, it’s everything to us. It’s all our being. And, and I love what you said about remembering to, to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally and your identity,
Speaker 2 13:37 who you are. Absolutely. Yeah, I agree. And you know, along those lines, your relationship with your husband can often suffer. So I seem to see the same thing, that kind of loss of identity when children leave home. And also some struggles in marriages when kids leave home because all of a sudden it’s like, oh, I’m stuck with you again. What’s your name again? We’ve barely seen each other for the last 20, 30 years as kids are crazy. But to not make your husband a priority during those, those young child years can be a really dangerous thing. And so that’s kind of one of my biggest, uh, you know, tips for young moms is that if you are not a priority for yourself and your husband is not a priority, then the kids will leave and you’ll be left alone with you and your husband and, and relationships with yourself and your husband that are not healthy. And it’s so important to make those priorities even when the kids want to take up every last second of your time.
Speaker 3 14:29 Yeah. 100%. Any relationship that can withstand the rigors of Chai children and beyond is amazing.
Speaker 2 14:39 Yeah. One to stick with, that’s for sure. Yeah. So, so Andrea and I both really feel blessed to be able to stay home. We know that that is not, that we know that there are many people that actually to do that and that cannot financially or for reasons. Um, but we just want to say if it’s a priority for you and you just can’t seem to find a way, keep trying, it’s really worth trying to find a way to make that work. If you feel like that’s the right path for you and your family. And if it’s not, no guilt there either. Um, but I, I do know that, uh, sometimes it just takes some prayer and some thought and some, some good, a good hard look at the finances to make it work. I remember watching a show, uh, I wish I would remember what it is, 60 minutes or some, some news show back in the day that, um, analyzed a family that both parents were working, both mom and dad and the mom really hated it.
Speaker 2 15:27 She wanted to be home with her babies and, but she said, we just can’t afford it. We just can’t afford it. So they had some financial experts sit down with her and look at the finances and in the end, after all her expenses, like we talked about earlier, the, the um, commuting and the wardrobe and daycare and everything else, she was netting $100 a month from her. But Joan. Yeah. And when they broke the news to her, she just stopped. She’s like, I’m leaving my babies every day for $100 a month. Seriously, you know, and she quit. You know, and again, if, if working is, is the way that you want to live your life and that gives you fulfillment and that’s the thing for you and your family, do it and do it proudly. But if it’s not and it’s something that you’ve really struggled with, new one to stay home with your kids, there just might be a way, you know, and we just want to put that plug in to say, keep trying if it’s really, really important to you.
Speaker 3 16:15 Okay. Now we’re going to talk about some of the pros. What lots of time with kids does both for them and for us. So some things, um, that have lots of studies have been done. We’re not gonna link them or site specific ones. You can go look them up. But apparently when, um, kids are with their parents in the preschool, pre school years, they are smarter when they start school. Um, the —
— y’re happier. So I dunno how do they measure that one? But apparently happiness is up there on the scale. Being with your mom isn’t make sense. Right. Something that I’ve noticed in my kids is that they’re more settled and calm when, when I’m with them, then when I want them go away and I come back and they’re pretty crazy and I have to be a time period of calming, settling down for them to get kind of back in their rhythm and the routine.
Speaker 3 17:09 And, you know, part of that is just someone being in tune with their needs and what they need. And that whole mom intuition that we talked about in episode 27 I think it is that, um, it’s given to us to be with our, to help our children and if we’re with them, then it’s obviously helpful to them if we’re not with them. Um, I think we talked about in that episode how just spending more time with our kids helps develop that more. And, um, so I think I understand that not all families can have a one, you know, live on a one income or have mom stay at home. But I do think that if at all possible it is the best option for the kids
Speaker 2 17:50 and for the mum. Both. Yeah, I agree. Um, you know, I’m the kind of person that when I went into motherhood, I was excited about having babies, but also a little bit anxious because I’ve never been a big kid person. I just don’t really like it night and you know, and none of them, yeah, no, I love my children. Don’t get me wrong. I love my nieces and nephews and there’s so much fun. But, um, that’s just not really my personality to like play with them and get down on their level. So when I say this, understand that sometimes it’s a struggle for me to, you know, make sure that they stay a priority above my other interests in my life, but when they are, my life is so much more fulfilled. Like I have learned lessons from my kids and I’m talking like stay at home during the nitty gritty, horrible days that I’m thinking I’d rather be anywhere. Speaker 2 18:37 But here I’ve learned lessons that I, I don’t think I could’ve learned really anywhere else. You know, families are put together for a reason. I really believe that. And I think that the things that, you know, like you say, I love how that phrase you use, they work things into us and we work things into them. It works, right? Yeah. The family is a lot of work. Um, but as we do our best to improve each day in our relationship, the more hours we have together, the quicker we get better at those relationships, you know? Yeah, absolutely. Um, but, but of course, that being said, there are some cons of too much time together and if anyone understands those, it’s homeschooling moms. Like, oh my gosh, if I have to look at your face one more time. No, I’m just kidding. But sometimes it’s really, really stressful to have.
Speaker 2 19:23 Like for me, it’s the noise, the noise factor is just nonstop. And if I don’t have, you know, five minutes of quiet during my day, I think I’m gonna go crazy. Um, so, you know, noise level, mess factor. Um, the fact that, you know, we talk about making yourself and your husband a priority, but that’s a little bit different. Difficult when there are little kids there all the time that need you all the time. Um, so I would say one, one little tip I want to share during this portion is to make sure that your children understand where your priorities lie. Now, now they should know that they are way up there on your priority list, but nothing outside of the home comes above them, right? They should also know that you have to take care of yourself first, right? They should know that. You know, you could even use a pet as an example, right? Speaker 2 20:08 So tell your kid you need to take care of your, your kitty, right? You love them and you pet them and you feed them and you water them. But what happens if you don’t get enough sleep or you don’t get enough to eat? How easy is it for you to take care of your kitty? It’s not cause you’re suffering first, right? So mom has to do the same thing. And I found that that’s really beneficial, especially for the little kids to understand, hey, I’d love to help you right now, but I literally haven’t eaten any food today that’s not healthy. I’m going to eat my food and then I’m going to come help you with whatever that toy fiasco is that you’re drinking, whatever catastrophic emergency you’re having right now. You know, that is such a good point because I, you know, I do spend lot —
— of time sacrificing,
Speaker 3 20:48 like, you know, even having to go to the bathroom for crying out loud, y’all, I’ll hold it for like three, four hours because I’m dealing with kid’s stuff or whatever and I’m like, oh my goodness. Okay, I just have to go the bathroom guys. Can I please just <inaudible> Speaker 2 21:02 no, other than I take like a half an hour because if I get in there with a hundred behind a locked door, I’m going to take my time. Oh dear. No, it’s, it’s true. It can be way too easy to let yourself slide. So you know, you deserve basic human rights. Make sure you’re getting those first before you’re helping your kids. Thank you for that reminder. Yes, no problem. And then I also wanted to mention, um, to just be graceful with yourself before, before this episode, uh, we started recording, Andre and I were talking about how much is required of us as stay at home moms. You know, so if you just think about the household logistics and running a household, that’s basically a full time job, especially with a bunch of little kids running around, making sure they have food and clean clothes and the houses, you know, not so disgusting that someone’s gonna catch a disease from it.
Speaker 2 21:53 And you know, all these running kids here and there and making sure they’re doing their homework, et Cetera, et cetera. And then on the other hand, there’s the actual mothering loving your children and um, physically caring for them and et Cetera. They’re basically two full time jobs. And if you add in homeschooling or any other hobbies or jobs, it is a lot on your plate. And sometimes it is just impossible to get to everything. And so when my life gets like that, I like to scale it back to the bare basics and realize it’s okay if all we’re doing today is eating and being together. It’s okay if all we’re getting done is diaper changes. You know, and like we talked about in our, um, survival times, those come fast and hard sometimes as a stay at home mom. Sometimes they come one after another, you know, and you just get over one and there’s another one hitting you for some reason and it can be so overwhelming. But even if years look like that, it’s okay. You’re, you’re, you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, which is keeping your children alive, loving them and knowing them and showing them that mom will always be there and, and just to be graceful to yourself and have a little bit of extra patience with yourself cause you are doing an excellent job.
Speaker 3 22:58 Yay. Amen. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. Um, you mentioned, you know, turning, doing, helping, making sure your kids have their homework done and you drive kids to this appointment and that appointment and turning into a chauffeur or you become a slave for everybody. Um, I think there’s a real tendency that, um, to be undervalued, both in the family and in society. I’m going to talk more about, um, society and societal concept being a stay at home mom later, but you can’t let like that come into the home and be undervaluing your job as a mom that, um, you’re keeping people alive and you know, they would die without you. They’re in the home. And I, you know, if something happened to us, our husbands would make other plans and provisions for the kids, but we are right now the plan to keep the kids alive and to keep them fed and to keep more than just the baseline, you know, to keep them happy and to educate them and, and we need to, I think first of all, not under evaluate that under value that in ourselves and then kind of protect it and not let others undervalue it as well.
Speaker 2 24:12 Yeah. And I’m on the flip side, one of the pros that I’ve been thinking about is the fact that as a stay at home mom, we do have more time to take care of um, the house and the logistics of running, running a household. Um, the work side of my life right now has been really heavy and as I’m spending more time doing that, I’m realizing everything that is not getting done in my house. And I think for years I really took that for granted. The fact that at the drop of a hat I would have the chance to reorganize the pantry if it just wasn’t working for us anymore. Or if, um, you know, my kid was growing out of clothes and he didn’t have any shorts. I had the time to go to the store and pick them out some new clothes or to box up the stuff that didn’t fit and put it away.
Speaker 2 24:52 I mean, just these littl —
— e things that fill your day that you don’t realize how valuable our for keeping your house in order. And it can really be a dresser when you don’t have time for that. And so it’s one of those things that is kind a double edged sword. You Think, Oh, if I have to go through one more box of clothes or if I have to do one more load of laundry, but at least you have the time to do it right. At least you can. And, and it might not ever look like it’s put away, but every load you do means your kid has a drawer full of clean clothes. I’m so proud of you. Look at that. It’s amazing to actually get to these tasks that need to be done and they need to be done every single day. And it’s very easy to undervalue that, like you said. But yeah, very, very important. You know, I think most of us, most of our husbands don’t know what it’s like to open a drawer and see it empty or, or at least not have it close at hand in a clean basket. Right. Look, we’ll give you that. But the magical laundry fairy that keeps everything, you know, she was here. She did it again.
Speaker 3 25:50 Yeah. You know, it’s so easy to, um, complain if there’s not clean clothes in a drawer. You know, my kids are like, Hey, I don’t have any clean jeans. But how often do we remind them to be thankful when there is a clean, full load, you know, drawer of clothes or whatever. It’s yeah, we can help our kids appreciate us, to teach them to appreciate us.
Speaker 2 26:12 Well that’s a really good point because I think that there is nothing so irritating as an adult who has no clue what kind of services done for him or what is required of life. You know, like the young adults that go out into the world and they have no clue what it takes to run a household. No clue what it takes to load a dishwasher. Um, but by showing them at a very young age, hey, did you see what I was doing all morning long? I was working on this laundry. I really don’t appreciate that you just took your clean clothes and dumped them on the floor or you know, <inaudible> your kids aware of what you do for them so that they are grateful. And so that, you know, it’s a win win, you’ll get more love and they’ll become better contributing members of society as they go out and try to serve others cause they know how much work being alive digs. So other pros are
Speaker 3 26:56 being available and a at home to homeschool your kids. This is not to say that if you are working that you can’t, um, homeschool your kids. I have seen, um, some very good friends of ours, the dad homeschooled the kids in his, um, hours after he got home from work and that was their model. Yeah. Yeah. That was their model. And um, it, it worked for them. I’m not saying you can’t homeschool if you work, uh, but it is a more common model for the, you know, the mother or the stay at home parent to be the one homeschooling. So you have time and you’re available to do that. Or if your kids are in school, you can volunteer or work at the kids’ school like my mom did. Um, you know, just imagine the situations because you’re, you’re open and you have time. You can help care for a sick one, you can work on house projects, remodel, take up a hobby, et cetera. Um, lots of time available that isn’t spent working. <inaudible>
Speaker 2 27:55 yeah, sometimes it seems hard to find any extra, but, um, it really is there if you look for it. And if you, um, you know, make, make it sacred, that extra time that you have with them or not away from the kids, but you know, when you’re not doing household stuff, Speaker 3 28:08 yeah. Don’t waste it all on social media. Right.
Speaker 2 28:11 Yeah, exactly. I know that scrolling, scrolling, in fact, just a tip there. So I’ve, I’ve noticed that, you know, when I, when my kids are down or, um, you know, all of a sudden I don’t have any pressing needs to do right this second. It’s easy to turn on my phone or whatever and just mindlessly scroll to kind of decompress. But I’ve found that if I already have a list at the beginning of the day of things I’d like to do just for me, not even things I have to do, but you know, so laundry is mostly done. Kids are down for an app instead of just picking up my phone, accidentally wasting an hour. I know we’ve all been there and you’re like, show not hours gone. And I’m like, kids waking up. Um, I like to have a list ahead of time of things I’d like to do. Speaker 2 28:48 Even something as simple as paint my nails —
— or read a book or make a batch of cookies that I wanted, you know, to put it on paper so that I’m not going, oh good. I can sit down for a couple of seconds and there’s nothing wrong with sitting down, but I’ve just mean if you find yourself wasting hours, um, that you wished you would’ve done something for yourself, that’s just a tip to write it down ahead of time and say, I really want to read a chapter in my book. Do that first. And you could check Instagram later. That’s a great tip. You and I create lists makers, aren’t we bunny? I know. If you’re not a list maker, I’m sorry, this podcast, I’d be creepy.
Speaker 2 29:23 I love list. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, you know, I mentioned earlier that being a mom and a household manager can seem like two separate full time jobs. Um, but I think that
it’s important to recognize the difference in that. So sometimes I’ll be so busy with the household tasks that I will neglect the motherhood part of it a little bit and I’ll, I’ll feel irritated because the household is still not clean and all picked up and, and nice and tidy. But I’m not spending enough quality time with my kids. So even with those two tasks, you know, lists of tasks, it’s important to have some sort of a balance so that you’re able to make your still make your kids a priority. Has Anyone had that happen? Like where you’re, you know, running all over town even as a stay at home mom and you realize, I haven’t even really connected with my kids today and that’s really should be my, my number one priority, right? Is to be the mother and not necessarily just the household manager, although it feels like, like you’re doing more of that sometimes. So,
Speaker 3 30:16 Hey, I just had an idea, something that you could do to help you, us to help us, um, value what we’re doing and to see everything that we’re doing. Like how we are working two full time jobs. So you could make a, a job listing as if you were going to hire a household manager and put everything on the list that they would need to do. And then you could make a separate job listing for a mom and everything that or you know, a care provider and everything that they would need to do. Just look at the list of at that would be pretty amazing. Oh, I’m talking about lists again. Oh, well
Speaker 2 30:53 yeah we are. I know. I was going to say weight is your tip to make a list. It
is to make a list. We’re on the same way. I’m like, no, I love that idea. Especially if you have ungrateful children or maybe even a wonderful husband who doesn’t quite fully understand everything that goes on every day to write that list and put it on the fridge. And in fact it could even be a family activity. And you could have everyone make lists of the obligations that they have and the things that are required of them. You know, for a small child that could be something as simple as play with my toys, clean up my toys, get dressed, use the potty, et cetera. For an older kid it could be go to school, finish my homework, really, you know, dive deep on it. So I’ve understood the concept, go to band, practice, practice my instrument, help out at home, et cetera.
Speaker 2 31:38 Um, I actually recently read an article about this and how to use technology to stay on the same page with a husband. It was, it was talking about a software you could use to, to do that. Um, but it really got me thinking about sitting down with my husband and really both opening up and understanding each others. Um, you know, the required our job requirements. Sometimes I just see him leave in the morning and come back at night and I don’t really fully understand the pressures and stresses that are on him as a full time provider. And he doesn’t always understand the stresses involved in, you know, running the household all day long. So I love that idea. I think it’s great. Yeah. I often wonder, um,
Speaker 3 32:14 like I just have this little imagine game I play. Like what would it be like if my husband and I switched roles for a day and he stayed home with the kids and did everything I do in a day and if I tried to, you know, go to work and do everything that he did in a day, like I think we would appreciate each other more just like goes so true. Yeah. Just thinking about that. Like I have no clue how to do what he does and, and he might not, he might feel a little overwhelmed at I have to do in
Speaker 2 32:39 a day too. Yeah. Although I do say I liked it. My favo —
— rite famous line to him is imagine you’re at work and you’re trying to finish a project and the kids come in and start pulling all your file folders out and throwing everything that, the difference between where job and my job. Yeah. That’s just to give him a little bit of a hard time, but Speaker 3 33:01 yeah. Okay. All right. So I’m going to say something that’s maybe a little bit controversial. Yeah. I think there is a war, um, on motherhood right now in our society. Okay. And I’m not going to get political or go too much deeper into it than that, but I do think that, um, being a mom, being a mother, being a stay at home mom is one of the least desirable jobs in our society or portrayed as one of the least desirable jobs in our society. I think there’s, I’m pretty big societal pressure and bias against stay at home moms. Um, and look out, I’m not going to go too much farther into this, but I do understand the feelings of feeling that pressure and that bias and that undervalued as a stay at home mom. Um, you know, so say we get together with another couple and um, we meet them, introduce ourselves, and they’re like, oh, so what are you guys doing?
Speaker 3 34:07 They say to my husband, so what do you do? And he talks about what he does and then they look at me and what do you do? And, uh, then I kind of get stuck like, okay, yes, I stay home and I raise my children. And I like, but how much do you want to know? Like if I say, oh, I stay at home with the children, then there’s this huge kind of bias package that against that, that comes with that. Um, you know, they have these preconceived ideas of I sit home with my feet up and eat bon bons all day or, or something.
Speaker 2 34:35 When you don’t do that. Or even that I have a low end
Speaker 3 34:41 intelligence, um, and I can’t work outside the home or I would never make it in a professional setting. You know, I’m too dumb. So to work I’m, I’m stupid. That’s why I have
to stay at home with my kids. And I think I’ve probably said enough, but I do understand that there is that out there in society.
Speaker 2 34:59 No, I’m over here nodding emphatically. I totally agree with you. In fact, I think we’ve all been in a situation like that where we’re all making introductions and what comes out of your mouth. I’m just a stay at home mom. Yeah, I hate it when I say that because I know how being a mother is. I do. But it’s really hard to make yourself feel valued when you say it like that because there are many people that are both mothers and you know, have a full time job or something else. And so for some reason, if you choose to stay home with your children and give them your full attention and full capacity, your full intelligence, that somehow that’s looked down upon and it doesn’t make any sense at all. It really doesn’t. But I totally believe you. I think that that now some circles are obviously a lot more friendly to stay at home moms than others. Um, and hopefully all of you out there have found a circle that’s friendly to you, a church circle or a, or a circle of friends or a library group or whatever that values what you do each and every day because it is so valuable. No one will value you as much as your children and really you can never have that impact on anyone else’s life like you do on your children’s.
Speaker 3 36:01 There’s <inaudible> can impact like that. You know what I’m going to do next time somebody introduces themselves to me and they s I ask them what they do and they say, I’m a stay at home mom. I’m going to tell them thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Just to start changing the paradigm. I’m going to say thank you. Thank you for caring for your kids and for making the future happen. Yes.
Speaker 2 36:26 Yes. You were literally raising the next generation, the politicians and the attorneys and the doctors and the moms and the dads and all of the people that will make the future happen. And I know that sounds really cliche and kind of Hokey, but it’s true. It’s true and it’s true matter how lonely and isolating it can feel. I really feel like the most valuable things we
do can seem like the most pointless sometimes. But if you can remember that, if you can post that on your wall sometime you are raising the future. You know, or, or whatever sign that it’s gonna really just keep you motivated and keep you going do it because you are valuable and, and your children will let you know that someday it wi —
— ll probably be 40 years down the road and it’ll be too late. Like you feel good about it today, but it will be worth it. And then, you know, so I’m, I totally am right with you right there.
Speaker 3 37:17 Yeah. You know, I was sitting with my five-year-old the other day and my five years, my two year old and I had this little preschool activity printed out for him and, um, it was cutting practice and I was sitting there while they were, you know, clumsily hacking away at the paper with her scissors. I was thinking, okay, what value am I adding to the world right now teaching my children this cutting practice? Because, you know, if they never saw scissors in
their life and suddenly, you know, they, if they never saw scissors until they were 12 years old and they picked up the scissors, they would figure it out how to use it. Right. I mean it’s a scissors, right? So they’d pick it up and they figured out how to use it. So what is the point of me sitting here with my five year old, three year old is they hack away at paper with this scissors. And I don’t know that I came to any profound conclusion other than everything that we’ve been talking about. It’s me sitting here touching my kid, holding my kid, showing them that they’re important enough for me to sit here while they hack away at paper like this scissors. And they matter that much to me. And also I am having a, an effect on the future. Like I’m sending a kid out into the world that knows how to use it. I don’t know. You did come to a conclusion and that’s
Speaker 2 38:36 that they matter that you, they might not to take to take your time and your energy and your love and your attention to sit with them and do something as mundane as hack at a piece of paper. You know, and, and we’ve talked about this before, that when a child is misbehaving or is having a hard time, oftentimes the number would probably most of the time, the number one thing you can do for them is to just be with them, is to just spend time. And as a stay at home mom, the majority of your time feels just like quantity, right? It’s just a mass amount of time. You’re just doing all these things. It’s not a lot of quality at time. And we talked about this and in the one on one time episode, but that’s what they need is they need quality and quantity. Speaker 2 39:13 I’m going to say want to with you. They need to know that they matter. You know, and it doesn’t mean that they, you can’t raise great kids if you don’t have a lot of time with them. But the number one way of showing them that is just to spend time with them. And so the more we can do that with him, the more well adjusted, amazing, competent human beings they’ll be. And we’ll, we’ll send them out in the world and be so proud of them. And you know, that comes a large part from the time we spent with them.
Speaker 3 39:38 Yeah. The other day I was thinking about in our mother’s day episode, I was thinking about what each of those three women said that they wanted for their children in them. Yeah. Send them out in the world. And I was thinking that, um, because they are, they have that desire for their kids and because you know, we can have good desire for our kids and then we can send them out into the world just basically as loved humans that’s gonna make such a difference for them in their future.
Speaker 2 40:04 Yes. Yes. Totally. Yeah, I agree with you. Um, and for recommendations, the only thing we really have for you is the book we mentioned earlier in this episode, William’s wondering week. It’s a great way to get kids aware of what mom does when she’s home and they’re gone and to hopefully have them value you a little bit more.
40:23 Yeah. Thanks for chatting about this this week.
40:26 <inaudible>
40:28 thanks so much for tuning in. If you’ve enjoyed this episode, we’d be so
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grateful if you’d leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us@outnumberthepodcastatgmail.com and find us on Instagram at outnumber the podcast. See you next week.
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40:45 <inaudible>
40:50 Hey, am I going on now? Are you still good?
40:53 Um, it go ahead and I’ll come back to this. I’ve been talking a lot, so, okay. 40:57 Okay.
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